Before I put down my poem I want you to know that this is not the way I usually write poems and this was a just an experiment...and kind of long. Tell me what you think. I should be posting my actual poetry soon.
My Hide Away Place
I close my eyes
And time goes backward,
Back to early childhood
When nothing,
But having fun really mattered.
Across the grass
I ran to hide
From my cousins.
My skirt would flap in the
Wind on the way to
My hide away place.
I'd slightly duck down to fit
Through the small gap;
The entrance to
My hide away place.
Within seconds,
I'm running between the trees.
The woods seemed to
Swallow me whole,
Covering up my tracks
With its fall leaves.
I slow to a walk
As I pull my jacket
Tighter around me.
No one will find me
Now that I'm in
My hide away place.
They never find me here.
I walk to the middle
Of the open area
Surrounded by trees
Where a giant piece
Of aluminum lies.
I never knew where
It had come from,
But liked to have it there,
Though,
I never knew why either.
I always won
Hide and seek,
Thanks to
My hide away place.
Now,
I've come back
After all these years
On Thanksgiving,
Back to my place
Of happiness
As a young child.
My skirt only swishes now
As I walk towards the
Place where many
Memories have been left.
They remain with the
Secrets I'd told only the trees.
I have to crawl to get
Through the gap that is
Smaller than I remember
Only to walk
Between the trees that
Surely couldn't have
Been so close together.
And I see it;
I see the place kept
A secret for so long.
Everything is exactly
As I'd left it.
This time,
Though,
I have my sisters
With me.
I've gotten much older
And I think they
Now need it more
Than I do.
Just as long as
It isn't me whose counting.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
'I'd duck down slightly to fit' sounds a bit better
This was nice. Very original
Good job
Its touching and the nostalgia seems so strong.the writing style is very mature yet friendly. Ilove the descriptions and the feelingsof the little girl.
I liked the ending as well. Made you go 'aww.'
Where a giant piece
Of aluminum lies.
I thought that you would talk about the aluminum again, but you didn't. I was disappointed...
Perhaps you could talk about how the hideaway was for you. You seemed to talk alot about the place and how it was your secret hiding spot, but you never really mentioned how much it meant to you until these lines:
Memories have been left.
They remain with the
Secrets I'd told only the trees.
But otherwise, it was pretty nice. Childhood memories...
I liked this, it's sweet. It doesn't seem too long to me. The last stanzas were especially cool, talking about how much smaller everything is, and the ending with your sisters was really nice.
"Just as long as
It isn't me whose counting."
Heh, cool.
The only thing I might change was all the really short lines made it kind of choppy. But maybe that's what you were going for.
Overall, Nice! Me likes.